Basoeki Goenawan, Sea Journey

first published as "Perjalanan Laut" in Konfrontasi, No.4, January-February, 1955.

He quickly made his way to the port of the small island where he had been visiting his sick mother. The cold wind slapped his pale face. With all of his energy, he fought against the sea wind and walked towards the boat which would take him back to the capital city. At the port he was greeted by a man whose face was disguised by the darkness which had enveloped the harbour.

‘Mr.Mahmud?’, asked the man.

‘Yes, I am Mahmud.’

‘Come with me. I’ve been waiting a long time for you. I’m the skipper of the boat which will take you away.’

Mahmud didn’t say anything and then started walking with the man towards the boat. There, he was greeted by a seaman who shook his hand.

‘Let’s get on board,’ the seaman said.

Mahmud thought that the boat was too narrow and small for a trip in such weather. It would be too easily shaken in the strong winds. He trembled.

‘You’re not afraid are you?’, asked the skipper, smiling. ‘Most people would be.’

‘I’m used to sailing’, answered Mahmud.

‘Good, good,’ said the skipper.

There were the only three people on the boat.

‘Are you still going to wait for more passengers?’, asked Mahmud.

‘No. We will leave now. I don’t usually take many passengers. I only take a few. But all are carefully chosen.’

Shortly afterwards, the small boat left the port. ‘In such a strong wind, we should arrive at the capital city in three hours’, thought Mahmud to himself. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep.

After an unknown length of time, Mahmud woke up. He checked his watch, but it had stopped working as soon as they had left the port. Now night had already passed and the sun was breaking through the fog and the clouds.

‘This is crazy,’ he thought to himself. ‘We must have been at sea for at least eight hours.’ He opened the window and stuck his head out. He could see nothing but water, clouds and fog floating before him. He had to take an exam this morning. He became angry as he’d been waiting for this day for months. Rage overwhelmed him. He closed the window and then went to see the skipper and his assistant. He asked why they were yet to arrive at the capital city, in spite of the strong winds. Sure, he wasn’t a sailor, but he knew that this was extraordinary – unless, of course, the boat was damaged. The skipper just shrugged his shoulders in response to Mahmud’s question.

‘Sir! When will we arrive at the capital city?’

‘Six hours ago we were close to the capital city. But we didn’t want to enter the port, so we just kept sailing,’ answered the assistant. And then he laughed.

‘Life in the capital city is festering like a boil. We can’t stand being too close to it,’ continued the skipper.

‘I don’t care,’ answered Mahmud. ‘If you don’t like the city, you don’t have to live there. But you have the obligation to take me to the port. That is my right.’

‘Oh,’ said the skipper. ‘Only crazy people talk about rights. You’re not crazy are you?’

Mahmud wanted to hit both of them.

‘Why aren’t you thinking about what is important to me? I’ve got a test this morning.’

‘Hahahahaha,’ the assistant laughed loudly. If the examiner arrives and he doesn’t meet you, he will not die. The test can be taken some other time, right? Why must you worry about such matters?’

Mahmud realized that he couldn’t talk with such people. Instead, he thought that he should just try to be patient. ‘Slowly but surely, I will be able to overcome this problem.’

‘Where are we going, captain?’, he asked trying to be friendly.

‘Thankfully, you have calmed down now,’ said the skipper. ‘That is good. Anger is not good for one’s health. As such, I don’t like people who are angry all the time. You asked me, “where are we going?”, and I want to answer this question. But remember, I’m the skipper of this boat and skippers don’t like to be thought of as being stupid. On the other hand, your question is difficult to answer. For centuries, people have asked themselves, where are they going. Millions of people have died with this question in their hearts: “where are we going?” And now you are asking the same question. You are polite and are no longer angry with me. So, I will try to answer your question.’

The skipper was quiet for a moment.

‘We are sailing towards nothingness. We must keep sailing until we no longer exist.’

‘Yes. That’s right,’ echoed the assistant. ‘We will continue sailing until we no longer exist. You’d like that as well, wouldn’t you? In my case I’d really like it. For example, I hate having a stomach. If I didn’t have one, I wouldn’t have to waste so much time eating. Not to mention all the other things that I don’t like having to do. We are forced to do so many things just because we have all these different organs which must be maintained. Wouldn’t it be better without them? As such, I’d prefer not to exist.

‘We will keep sailing until we don’t exist – except of course if the boat is damaged,’ said the skipper. ‘So, you can choose to go on living, but you will become crazy and will be placed in a mental asylum. So, the choice is up to you.’

‘That’s no choice,’ said Mahmud and he became angry once more because of the nonsense being uttered by the two men.

‘Yes, you’re right,’ said the skipper. ‘Wherever you go doesn’t depend on what you choose, but on sudden events which cannot be predicted. But, I just want to say that each possibility is equally likely.’

‘That’s not what I mean,’ said Mahmud angrily. ‘If one cannot make the choice freely, then it is no longer a choice. But an act of coercion. Take me back! I want to be free!’

‘Ah, don’t be so stupid. I’m sure you are a wise person. You should think about this more seriously, rather than going on whining. You must be thankful to us. We have made a great effort to help you, but you do nothing but shout at us. Try to understand, we are the ones who have given you your freedom. We are helping you. We have liberated you, but all you do is accuse us of coercing you. That is crazy, I tell you. Just think about your father, for example. Everyday – with his back hunched over – he walks to and from his home to his office. At home he fights with his wife, at the office he fights with his boss. But everyday he just puts up with it all, walking from one argument to the next. Isn’t that crazy? Is that what you mean by being free? You’ve got no idea! And just look at your older sister. She hates working at her office all day. She only comes alive when she leaves it at the end of the day. Then she jokes and flirts with her male friends. Actually she should become a prostitute. But for her, that is such a lowly profession. As such, she just likes to flirt with all kinds of people. Your sister has been crazy for a green silk bathrobe, but her friends only buy her drinks and take her out the cinema. If she was prepared to follow her calling she would be able to buy anything that she liked. Isn’t this some kind of craziness? And you, Mahmud, who are blessed with the ability to recognise that as stupidity, describe this journey as a kind of kidnapping. You are truly ungrateful. You have imposed a lot on us. Just think for a moment and soon you will realise that your desire to return is both absurd and stupid. Reality will change. The difference between you with others, is that you are aware of your actions. Others aren’t! You have been blessed with the ability to think. We want you to be grateful and to be calm!’

Mahmud slowly began to realise that he was in a terrible situation. He began to think that the two men weren’t sane. Or was this just an unpleasant dream? But the sun was penetrating through the clouds and warming his body.

He remembered a short story by Edgar Allen Poe about a ghost ship which sails throughout the seven seas only to fall into a deep hole in the middle of a sea in the North Pole. The occupants of the ship are strange and speak in an unknown language. Mahmud shook his head. ‘No! This can’t be happening!’ Yes, indeed these two were not normal. He examined the skipper and his assistant back and forth.

Suddenly he was surprised by the thought which flashed through his mind: maybe he was the one who was crazy. Indeed, it was true, recently he had been studying too hard. Day and night he had been poisoning his mind with all kinds of thoughts. Now he remembered how worried his mother was in seeing his facial expressions and how he she had encouraged him to take a rest. Nonetheless, that wouldn’t mean that he wasn’t sane. ‘It’s impossible,’ he said to himself. But this thought continued to bother him. He felt tired. His eyes were heavy and he had to close them. He wanted to return even though he was reluctant to live.

‘Sir,’ said Mahmud softly to the skipper, ‘take me back to the capital city, even though I will be locked up there.’

‘Ah. It really is difficult to talk with you,’ answered the skipper. ‘Just think a little and you will realise that it is impossible for you to return. If you know, you shouldn’t pretend not to know, right? Indeed you can lie to others, but to fool yourself? That’s where the problem is, Mahmud.’

The skipper’s comments regarding Mahmud’s thoughts were indeed accurate. Nonetheless, he couldn’t adjust himself to this new condition.

‘Sure, you can lie to others, but to fool yourself,’ the skipper repeated himself. That was the problem. He took his cigarettes out from his pocket and offered one to Mahmud.

Mahmud felt that the boat was staying in one spot. But on the horizon dark clouds slowly began to form and fill up part of the sky. ‘A typhoon is on the way,’ thought Mahmud.

‘We warn you to be calm,’ said the assistant while lighting a cigarette. ‘If you make a fuss we will be doomed. If that happens, you will be sent to an asylum and we won’t be able to help you anymore. You must be careful.

Hearing those words, the confusion in his mind began to decrease.

‘So, I can choose by myself where I will go?’, he asked. ‘To nothingness or to the mental asylum?’

‘Yes, you are right,’ answered the assistant. ‘Within certain limits, you can choose between nothingness and going crazy.’

Mahmud was relieved to hear those words. They had given back his self-respect. He inhaled deeply on his cigarette. And with his heart at ease he waited for what was about to happen.

Translated Andy Fuller, 23.11.05, Pejompongan